Day One.

New DAY! NEW START.
SHIT JUST GOT REAL.

Hi, you may know me from such posts as "The Truth is Out there" and others.
This a blog about self-frustration.

You see, I, Caitlind Elsa

Am 240 pounds, I am 5,5 and I’m 19 years of age. I eat carbs at least 5 time’s a day. I love starch foods, everyone and all of them.
The Doctor says that I need to stop eating starch for about 2 weeks and only eat vegetables and meat and berries.

This is supposed to help me lose 14 pounds in two weeks.
I should also only be drinking water.

I’ve prayed, I’ve made a list, I’ve told myself time and time and time again that I need to do this, or I am going to be sick. I’ve tired to make walking resolutions and I’ve tried to do this for about a year now and I have never really made it. I’m at wits end trying to come up with a way to do. I don’t how to make this “Wake up in the morning and really make a change” thought or choice. I’m not sure how to do it.

What do I NEED to do. I’m not really sure.

I know that being "skinny" is just a North American thing, and this really isn't just about looking good. I want to be healthy. I want to not worry about the pain in my chest. Or wonder if I will be able to walk when I'm older, or about all the stress I put on my body. I want a change... yet I make none. I pray and pray and here I still am.


Am I praying wrong? What am I doing wrong?
Oh great universe!
You got any answers.. at all?

Blessed are thoes who mourn.

Blessed Are Those who Mourn Matthew 5:4

 

I'm going to a program called Life's Healing Choices. It's to help you deal with your hurts, hang-ups and habits.

I know I have alot of baggage. Everyone does. And in one of the first lessons was this verse. Blessed are those who mourn. 

At first that made me feel relieved. Thank God, there's nothing wrong with me sitting a crying over the loss of my relationship with my Mother who felt it was totally ok to abandoned her kids because she found a boyfriend who was still married. 

But at the same time, I feel so stupid. A 19 year old, crying for mommy. But I think it's ok that I feel that way. My heart still hurts all the time, but I wonder when does it get to the point that I move on? 

I don't want to be 40 still crying over mom, and that's why I'm going to Life Healing Choices, and I supposed to ask God to help me with the pain and the mourning, but how long will it take me? What's the right amount of time? How do I mourn the right way....?

I'm confused.

Cloud snuggles.

Yes,

Cloud Snuggles.

Cheesy way of saying wind? Yes, yes it is.

At least for me it is.

I love the wind, it's one of my favorite things on this whole wide world. When I saw that today was a windy day I threw open my window and let it all come in.

It tore down two of my posters.... but I didn't care. I love the wind so much.

I can't really explain it. This isn't really an interest blog post, but none-the-less it is one.

Wind FTW.

PS: I (as a matter of fact) am real. Not like the lesbien blogger that all of a sudden was a 40 year old man....

Ok than internet people. Time to get a new hobby.

From the mouth of a Feeb.

Ever played scrabbled?
On Facebook?
and cheated?

Yes, I cheat on scrabble. But before you Scrabble purists pick up your grammatically correct axe's to wack me in half, you have to know the whole story. The women I play with. She is crazy.
She once told me a story of her Grandmother tying her to a chair and forcing her to play for hours...and hours... no food or water.

Just kidding, I know that she has nothing but fond memories of Scrabble,
no I'm serious, it was just a joke. Relax

Anyways, she is tough, she scrabbles like its easy as chewing gum. So I cheat. She is aware of this fact, we have come to terms with it, However the other day, she plays the word "Feeb".....

Like WTF is THAT?
I was born 1992. So I'm still pretty young, but I have NEVER heard this word. Ever.

Essentially, even though Scrabble says this is a word. I am not convinced. I approached the Scrabble Goddess with distaste and displeasure on my face and demand an answer. We googled it.

Feeb is a word.
and my new nickname.
I shall take in stride.

Hey like the GUM!

BTW Firefox tried to "correct" Feeb, so Firefox is on my side. The legitimacy of this word is still unsure in my head.