AGAIN

JULY
Calves 18.75
Thigh 29.5
hips 50.5
lower waist 48
upper waist 37
upper arm 15
neck 15 
Weight: 223

November
Calves 18.5
Thigh 28
hips 50
lower waist 47.5
upper waist 37
upper arm 14
neck 15 
Weight: 220

Alright. Shit is getting real.
Starting this AGAIN. FOR REAL.
SOMEONE GET ON MY ASS!
Dec 7th. 200 pounds.

Well this is getting repetitive.

Hello, my name is Caitlind
I am a food addict.
Trying to stop.
Thanks for listening.

So you want to be a temple huh?

I think the fact of the matter is I have been ignoring that.

Our bodies are temples. Temples to the Lord.

I gotta say, my temple is in bad shape.
When I think of it as my body, then I don't feel so bad about trashing it. I feel guilty for a bit, but I am always able to kind of push it out of my mind. I mean, the majority of North America is fat. blah blah blah, God loves me no matter what. Heaven doesn't have a weight scale.

But when it comes down to the fact that my body is a temple. Me acting like that is a load of horse manure.
If my body is a temple (which it is) and I want it to be a beautiful temple to the Lord, then I cannot just focus on the mental part of the temple.

Sure the upstairs looks great, but your downstairs is a real mess.

So even though. I'm sure this is blog 1000 that says. Hey I'm gunna make a change, You're going to have to bear with me here, because it's not as easy as it sounds. It's a legit, addiction, dependance on food. Re-wireing myself is proving to be a big battle, and you don't win every fight, but the point is to keep fighting untill me and God have won this war over my body.

At least that how I'm looking at it. So this is me, making plans for TODAY. To try and not eat starch and to go for a jog. Because I have to live in the pressure of the day.

Lord, I remember.

I remember singing.

Tonight, God had a plan, and just before I was going to shut my computer off, and I thought, I'm going to go listen to that super cheesy song from the Little Mermaid 3. Don't know why, but I will. After the 3 line, something in me broke. 

"Wait, I remember that
How I know that song
I remember sitting in the moonlight and that feeling
What's that feeling?
I remember

Yes, how I know that song
Though it's been so long
I remember happiness without a floor or ceiling
What's that feeling?
I remember"

I remembered, who I was, before I was lost to my teen years, under the deception and the deceit that the Devil put me through. He robbed me of who I was.  I was beaten into a pessimistic dark child. But I reject it, and now I am going to be who God created me to be. Because I remember her. I will go play in the flowers, and smile and sing my heart out, and feel all the joy in the world.

Let's talk about waiting.

“But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles.” Isaiah 40:3

 

Do you play the waiting game? For anything? Anything at all?

Not to make it sound like I have a one track mind, but I always knew that I was going to wait. In the subject of a husband. What I wonder is, why do girls, sit around and wonder and make the choice to wait. Not saying that men don't think about it, but I have personally never met a man who has told me he thinks about his future wife.

Now, I always knew I was going to wait till marriage to have sex, and yes even at 19, I am still a virgin. (ohhh scary!! not) but yet I still wonder about the Man the Lord has for me. 

Lots of people tell me, you're still so young, enjoy being single, don't rush into anything. Which, yes, is great advice, but give me a minute to explain my thinking. 

Maybe I'm tired of being not "tied down". Maybe I think that marriage isn't so "jail-like". Yes I know that I lose a lot of freedoms, but I was never one to go out and do a bunch of stuff by myself. It's not that I need a man to live, but I would like someone to go out and do God's work with, that was my life partner. Someone to share my dreams with and to start a family with. Life is about making a life and a home, and it's not something I want to do alone.

So that is my rant. I'm all for waiting, and I'm all for the Lord's Timing, and I know that there is a man out there for me, and I know that he is wonderful, and in love with the Lord, and that he is amazing with kids and that he works to please the Lord. This I know. 

Maybe I have already met him?

Hope he is still waiting for me :)

No Such Thing.

"Welcome to the real world, she said to me condescendingly, take a seat, take your life plot it out in black white." - John Mayer.

Well, So far, I told said women to suck it.
My life isn't defined by this world! My life is defined by the Lord, my God.

He is the most amazing Lord in the universe. Did you know that? I hope so!

I have so much to be thankful for.

I don't think I have ever blogged about it on here, but I was struggling with my French 30 Course.
and my struggling I mean, complete and utter failing. It was awful. I knew I was doing well, and Aubrey knew I wasn't doing well.
So the other day, she came in to my room, to help me figure out what I was going to do. Time for a kick in the butt. But what happened that afternoon was not something that I expected or could have even predicted.
Within 2 hours, we figured out that I didn't need to finish French 30 to graduate and had signed me up for my Diploma exams just before the 3:30 deadline.

BOOM. All the stress in my life for the past half a year. DONE. In 2 Hours..... Yah, God is THAT awesome.

But not only has that amazingness been going on, but life right now, is pretty cool. Still working with the church on doing Kidz Zone. The kids have a new friend there. He is from Teen Challenge. He has pretty much stepped in and has become a big brother to the kids. It's cool to see them play with this "big kid" who has just as much energy as they do. They pretty much beat him up, and he is totally cool with it. It's been pretty fun to watch.

I've been still attempting this weight issue.  I've been going for walks, and have been trying to cut down on my starches, but sometimes, I cave in and mess up, but the point is, I am still trying to wake up and try.

Other than that, no much is going on right now. So stay tuned?

Suddenly I see! This is what I want to be!

I was feeling quiet sorry for myself this morning. I've lost weight yes, but then I got lazy, stopped working out, and started eating starch. Well, I haven't gained any weight back, but I'm at 220, and I don't want to be here either, and I'm tired of me being such a big chicken and falling back to old ways. Well tha'ts it! Changes are going to happen, and this time I can't talk myself out of it, because I KNOW it works. I have no excuse. The only way I can really get this, this thing I want so badly, is I have to work for it. Nothing comes to you on a silver platter. As much as that would be nice. Food comes on a platter, you abuse it, and then bang, your obese. Well that's it. I don't have a chemical unbalance or a medical reason that I can't lose weight. And to be politically "correct", I'm not calling obese ugly. I'm calling it unhealthy, and I'm going to be done with it. Seriously, no more fucking around!

NO more plus size
NO more double chins
NO more undergarments to make me look thinner
NO more wasted time
Changes Baby!
Changes.....

A Year Update.

A year ago, I drove out of my home town, scared and excited for what is to come. I feared everyday as I was without my family and without a clue as to what I was heading into but also just incredible grateful for this Family of 6, this big enough family who took me in and cherished me as one of there own. I think down in there hearts, they knew what was in store for me. This girl who wanted to get on the right path with God, no matter what it took, and I think they knew, and tried to warn let me know that while the jounrey is worthwhile and life changing, it was not as easy as I thought it was going to be.

Let's take a trip into my ideas as we drove away.
"Alright, this is going to be good, I'm going to go to church and do school and pray everyday and bada-bing bada boom, I'm fixed! Whooo hooo! One year and I'm going to be the best person in the world....."

Yah... ok there Caitlind.

I was half right and half right, yes I was going to start going to church and yes I was going to pray everyday and do school, but for all different reasons. I was in Duncan to grow up and to grow in Christ. I've learned so much in such a small time, and I can tell you, while I may certainly not be the best person in the world. I've learned that I am a good person, and I have talents and a personality that God loves and that God, really and truly loves me.

One thing I have learned this year is how to rely on him, because there were nights, where I had no one but him, I couldn't run to my family because I knew that it would have been a bad situation, and it wasn't something I could run to Aubrey too, because she was just told me some things I didn't want to hear, but I had to process and accept them, and there only person I could yell at or cry to was the Lord, and he was there, every time. Sometimes he would cry with me, and sometimes he would talk through it with me. But the point is, he was there.

Together, me and him, with help from Aubrey and Koos and even the kids. I have done a Godly 360. I hope to continue to spin and change and circle myself in the word and the Lord.

Wow, I just did a typo and it gave me the coolest message. I was going to type "circle myself in the word" and I typed "circle myself in the world" What a different meaning, and the only difference is the letter L, and if you take that as taking the world's view of the Lord out of the world's perspective, and look in the word. You really find out who he is.

Give me a second go.

I'm really getting into the singer LIGHTS again.
Don't ask me why, I just go through different phases. Right now I'm really into her.
Someone of her lyrics just hit me with what is going on in my life.
Tie that in with some prayer and some quiet time with God.

There is something I have been thinking about, think about saying something to someone, but I don't want to get hurt. I'm at a loss for what to do. I want to be brave and tell them, but I don't want to get hurt.

I still don't know what I'm going to do.

Mayday! Mayday!

So I semi crashed and burn eh? Fell right off the diet horse for a bit. But the goals don't change and the motivation stays the same. I start again folks. Today was number one of starting the two weeks again. I know I can do this. I've done it before and plus this time I am going to a bible study like group on weight loss with God. Woo hoo. It's gonna rock and I know I'm going to be under 200 pounds by Christmas. Even if I am 199. It doesn't matter. It cannot be to hard to lose 29 pounds in 5 months. That's about 6 pounds a month. Not bad at all. I'm going to do this. Workout every day and no more starch. Yay. I'm glad I'm doing this again. Cannot wait for the next weight in. The goal is hopefully 216 but I'm flexible. If this blog post looks funny it's because my computer has got some serious issues going on right now and I haven't been able to get it fixed yet. So I am to make do and use my iPod. Whatever works right?

Today was a near perfect day.

Brooke got baptized today! Woooo!!
Today I woke up at 5:45am. Yuck, but I was pumped, today was Brooke's baptism! So I jump out of bed and get ready, shower, straighten, and out the door. We all headed down to the river in Duncan, and it was pretty deserted, the service was to start at about 8:00am, and we got there probably 7:45. We met up with some family and walked to the river. The kids were pretty frustrated that they couldn't go swimming with Brooke, but they got over and started to draw in the sand.

Soon, it was pretty pack with the pastors and people who had come to see their loved ones get baptized.After we sang some hymns with nothing but our lead pastors guitar, he lined up all the people getting in the river. There was quite a few people, about 9. The oldest was 69 and the youngest was 9. They all got a chance to say something. We were there for Brooke but we were also glad to see a guy from BCTeenChallenge get baptized. We've been hanging out with some of the guys from that program, and they are all inspiring in there own right.They were also beyond pumped for Brooke. One of the guys that has really connected with us gave everyone big high fives. He always plays with the kids and it just like a big brother to them.

So soon it's Brooke's turn to get in the water. I was bit emotional, it was so neat to get to see her make this promise to God. It was absolutely beautiful. Then after we were done, I got to meet some family friends that I hadn't met yet. Gave my Lord of the Rings DVDs to the BCTeenChallenge guys, because they all have to see those movies so that we can hang out with them. Just kidding! But they need to watch them.

Then it was Church time, it was a beautiful service with the worship being done by Trevor Dick from Compassion. He is the best violinist ever. It was stunning music.

After church we went home for a nap. Zzzzzzz.

Then it was KidzZone (used to be Kidtown) time! There were a video camera crew because our church is being shown at a World Leader Summit. But we just acted normal and had a wonderful day at Kidz Zone. I really love playing with the kids down there. They are all so special to my heart.

Then it was home time, and life didnt stop there, we have to give our new puppy, our cat and our dog flea baths.... yuck.

Now its about 7:50pm. I'm beyond tired, but I'm going to try to get in some bio questions and finish my facebook scrabble games.

Thank the Lord for the best day today!

Jeremiah was a bullfro.......prophet.

So the other day I was praying about this.. thing that is going on in my life. I'm still not going to put up the details, but it has to do with matter of the heart. I was praying on what to do about it because I have never really had experience with things such as this. Anyways, I sat in my room  with my bible and prayed that I would open up to whatever God wanted me to read and that it would pertain to my issue. I opened to Jeremiah, and it didn't seem to have anything to do with what I was praying about, so I tried again, I landed on Jeremiah, again. and again. So at this point, I decided, Ok, looks like I need to read Jeremiah.

So I snuggled into my bed and began to read. It was an interesting experience to say the least. God was pretty upset and how his people just basically gave him the middle finger, and he would rant and rave about how he was going to destroy them. And at this point I was all over it, "SMITE THEM" the warrior inside me cried. But, then God does the coolest thing. He gives them a chance, and many of them don't take it, but he loves them (and us) so much he gives us another chance. He even sneaks a hint of the coming of Jesus in the book. It made for quite and interesting read.

What I also learned from it, was that I didn't really find anything to help me with my issue, save a verse I'm going to put at the end, but I found out the neat thing, that God sometimes, just wants to hang out with us, and chat with us.

What a cool God. So the verse I was left with to kinda give me some perspective on my issues was 

“This is what the LORD says, he who made the earth, the LORD who formed it and established it—the LORD is his name: ‘Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.’" -Jeremiah 33:2-3

Define Dancing.

The title is a song from Wall-e. It is one of my most favorite songs in the world. Most of my favorite music is from movies, with no words in them. It's feels like if my soul could sing, it would sing Define Dancing as I dance around on a beach or in the snow, while the night sky is twinkling above my head with every star in the sky shining.

Yah, that's what my soul would be doing.

Doing something that scares you.

I hate that saying,
I mean, it obviously scares you for a reason, so why go and do it.
So I can be scared everyday? Yah ok, sounds great.
I'm not saying that you should never try new things, but I'm not going to wake up and say to myself, I'm going to snuggle a spider today and give my self a heart attack.

Anyways, the point is today, I did something that scared me, on a slightly emotional level, and no, I didn't die, and it was alright, and no you're not getting details. This is just me hoping that it goes over well.

Re:Stacks

Can you do me a favor?
Can you read my mind.
There is so much I want to put out in words, yet, I haven't the foggiest where to begin and what to write about. Most of it, when I think about it, seems to just be me, sitting and complaining. Whining about what I what, who I am, and who I would like to be. That doesn't make for a very interesting read, now does it.

Or maybe it does, maybe you're all into that. I know that I have a hard time being deep in my blogs, yet my humor comes across alright. I think maybe it's because it's easier to be funny and lighthearted. To be sitting down and being serious, used to come really easy to me. I could turn it on at any second, actually, I think I was serious 24/7. A big grouchy sour puss really.

Now, sometimes, I find my mind trying to go back to that place, because it's almost natural for my mind to try to slip into that dark place that I abandoned so long ago. It can be a fight, to realize I am going to that place and saying No. That's not who I am anymore, nor do I want to be that person again.


See. Now I go back and read that and think, OMG SO EMO.

LOL I'm so glad I am a much happier person now. Go away emo feelings, I don't have time for your self pity.

No I'm not bi-polar. I wrote the first part and then thought about it for a bit, and then wrote this part.

Come on dudes, you know me better than that.

Thursday, July 28th 2011

Yes, that is the date.

Don't look at me like that, coming up with mildly funny titles is hard.

So, It's been a good and crazy week. I've loved having my family over, it's been pretty awesome to play with my nephews and hang out with my sister. She always has a good ear to listen and also gives good advice and a little bit of ass kicking, lol but in a good way. My nephew Liam, just turned one and he has been a hoot. He is such a happy baby and he is so sweet. His big brother Carson has had a bunch of fun with the girls. We have gone places on the island that I have never been before. It's been a blast.

They are leaving tommorrow, and I'm glad that they leave with good memories and have had a fun time. I know it will be nice for them to get back into their groove of home life. It has been very wonderful.

However, real life starts on Friday, they leave in the morning, and then I hope to get some of my french unit done, so I can work on Bio on Monday, as this week I'm hoping to get more Bio done, so I can be done done.

Now to get off the computer and spend some time with my family.

In which family comes over.

So I think it goes without saying that I am continuing with my diet. I mean, for real it's not like I'm stopping now. But my sister and her sons came for a visit, and they are here for another 4 days. It's been so awesome having them here and it's so nice to see my nephews. They really mean so much to me, and we are seeing so much so the island that I have never seen before. It's been so wonderful. I don't have any pictures yet, but I will put some up tommorrow.

So I am still not seeing weight loss in my face and it's pissing me off. I really want to lose weight there, if their is one thing I don't like, it would be how fat my face it. It's driving me nuts, We take family photos and no matter what I hate how I look. So I am trying super hard to not spaz about it but it's hard. This is obviously one of the reasons why I am trying to lose weight. I mean, I know that it is not so much about the physical thing but I mean, it certainly is a part of it. Of course.

Lately I've been a bit bugged about the fact that I like a guy. I didn't want to blog about this in case he ever reads it, but I need to get it off my chest. I like a guy. I really like him, he is neat and cool and I have not liked a guy like this in years. One problem, I don't really think he even knows who I am, or if he is allowed to communicate with me. It's hard to explain and I don't want to give details, but it's frustrating. I just don't know what to do, because he really is so cool, and I've been so, I guess, I've been really silly about it, you know? I haven't felt this way about a "boy" in a very very long time. The worst part is I feel like I will never be able to do anything about it.

I know I know, it's all very very silly.
But I am just a girl.

Two Weeks Today.

I did it, first step has been done! I did two weeks, there were a some bumps but I am only human. I'm not stopping now! I now can do one meal with carbs a week. I think I'm going to save it for when my sister comes and makes my favorite Thai Chicken, it goes best with rice so that would be yummy. Anyways, as I posted yesterday I have lost about 15-20 pounds. Depending on what I was when I started because now I am about 228 pounds! w00t w00t.

So I wrong with the first body fat percentage calculation so I'll put the right first one and then what it is now, if it has changed at all. 

So now for some measurements. In inches
 First Week Measurements, First Week body fat  27.29%. Hm dunno how I got 60%
neck 15.5
waist 49
hips 52
thigh 30
calf 19
upper arm 15

After Two weeks Measurements and Body Fat 27.09%. So I lost .20% It's a start lol!
Calves 18.75 (not a whole lot lol)
Thigh 29.5
hips 50.5
lower waist 48
upper waist 37
upper arm 15
neck 15 

So all in all, some progress!! W00t w00t.

Stay tuned for more blogging and such. I'll do a weigh in and measurements again after another two weeks!

SUCCESS

Ladies and Gentlemen and pervert's looking for creepy blogs!

I have lost about 20 pounds. Yes, in two weeks, I listened to the doctor and I have lost. I feel so amazing and I'm going to keep going! More to come, I just haven't been inspired by the writing bug just yet, but I wanted you all to know the good news! : )

Clean Room

I love a clean room! I don't really even mind the 2 hours I took to clean it. I usually have been keeping it clean, but this week it fell apart. So I took some time today and cleaned it super de duper clean. It's day 10. Still no bread rice potatoes. I still don't see a difference, but we have done that run around already. I'm pretty pooped from cleaning my room and doing laundry and going up and down the stairs. I think I'm going to go do a workout and then have a shower. Then plop down on the bed and have a good read.

Y'all Have A Great Saturday!

I didn't want to blog today.

I didn't have a particularly bad day or anything, I just didn't want to put anything.
It's been about 9 days of no carbs. Wooo...
Man I have just no energy today.

You know, I keep getting lots of views, that's kinda neat. I'm very gratful that people are reading this. It gives me some sort of encouragement.

Well, I think I'm done for today!
THERE I BLOGGED.

This is where I get impatient.

I know I know.

Weight-loss takes time... blah blah blah. I just wish I could see results right away.

I know it's only been 8 days and it's going to be at least a month before I maybe notice a difference. But this is what tests me as much as cravings. I've just gotta learn to stick the results out of my mind. I'm doing this to finally be healthy. But it would be nice to go down a pant size or too. Maybe it's not such a good thing that we don't have a scale? I don't know, but I'm working/praying that this doesn't bring me down too much. I've come this far. I have to go to the whole way.

I've been thinking about posting a before picture. I was going to be daring and do it in black bathing-suit bottoms and my black trainer bra, but I'm not a pretty sight in that, so maybe a before picture in everyday wear. Without sucking in. AHH scary. I've mastered the art of 24/7 sucking in. So maybe I'll take that picture today. OR I'll upload a great picture one of the little girls I live with took of me the other day at Transfer Beach in Ladysmith. It's a beautiful shot, and I didn't even feel the need to edit it to make me look skinner. 

Yah, I'll do that. lol Disregard above paragraph, lol.

My first craving :(

I want a raisin bagel. They are down the stairs, in the cupboard, calling my name.
I want one so bad. Last night we went out for dinner to Boston Pizza, and boy I wanted carbs like you wouldn't believe.

But, I'm not going to eat them, because it has been 10 years of being overweight, to obese and to be frank, I'm not doing it anymore, because I can't. I just can't be unhealthy anymore. It's just food, that's all it is and there is more to life then just wanting to eat good food.

Breakfast's are still hard though, I think I may be eating too many eggs. I've got to find some alternative to just eggs and yogurt or I am going to go crazy.  I've got to watch my cheese intake too. 

And while I figure this all out I am kicking myself for no doing this stuff when I was younger and could have saved myself a lot of time and effort. But what's done is done, so now I've got to pay the price for the 10 years of pure crap food I have eaten in my life.

However, I am only human, and I want a bagel. 

A week goes by.

A whole week, A whole week!

I cannot believe I did it, and I think the best part is, is that it was not as hard as I thought it would be. I've got one more week left till I can start eating one starch a week. I've still got to keep up with my exercise routine as well.

This month is proving to be a month of changes and surprises! I finally finished Social Studies 30 yesterday. Well I finished the course work. I still have to write the final and the diploma exam. Getting ready for the diploma exam has been the biggest nightmare in the universe. Over 15 pages of paperwork or something. It's nuts. The only thing that is getting me through it is that once it's done, its done. And the fact that it won't be on my mind while my big sister is here.

Yup, my big sister Paula is coming up with her son and step son. I'm so excited to see my nephews and my sister. I haven't seen family since Christmas, so it's a nice little surprise for all the work I've done so far. I've still got a ton to do, but the break will be nice.

So for today, no carbs, and I'm doing to do half of my workout. I've got it figured out to about a 45 minute walk every second day and every day is a 45 minutes of other exercises. So here goes!

Thanks for the support guys! Keep Praying!

THIS .... IS.....SPAR....oh no wait, it's Day 6!

Yes, you read that right. DAY 6. Oh my gosh! Day 6!

Two weeks ago, I thought I would never be able to do this, not in a million years! Now that I've been doing it, I've got to say, it's not the hardest thing I've ever done. It's been pretty easy! I'm relearning to make some foods I like so I can still eat them without bread/rice/potatoes. So far, not so bad, and K and A has been super awesome about it, helping me make choices and buying stuff that I can eat. I cannot ever say how grateful I am for them. I could try, but I could never get the words out. Well, Today I am attempting to finish Social Studies 30. I only have about 3 assignments I think and then, I am done all the course work. Holy Jesus! < Rocks!

Keep praying for me Dear Readers, I'm praying for all of you!

EDIT @ 8:19pm
Just did my hour workout, and it wasn't a nightmare. Sweating is tho.... yuck.

Hey YOU!

Yah, you!


If you be reading my blog, please leave me a comment. Please be nice though. If you can't be nice then please leave a comment in all numbers. Then I know you were still reading my blog.

Thanks so much!

These side effects are all in my head.

Literally.
I don't really remember if the doctor told me not eating carbs was going to have certain side effects. I'm only taking her advice, now a year later.
But my head hurts, like super ouch, and I wake up super sore in the morning.

But I mean, these are minor ouches when I keep my eye on the goal, right?
Hopefully I can get the same amount of exercise today that I did tommorrow. I'm going to try. If not my walk, then some in my room exercises for sure.

Day 5 of no carbs!

THIS IS IT.

PEOPLE! I can feel it!! This time is different, no one told me to do this, this was my decision! But with a ton of support from God and others! I have gone 4 days with no carbs! I just did a hour and 20 minute work out!! I can hardly beleive it, and the best part is.. I feel great!!

I'm so rooting for me this time. No more overweight me!!!

Day 3, with some info.

So like the title says, its Day 3, and still no starchs. I'm learning I also gotta keep a closer eye on sugars to, as they can sneak in.

I took some measurements today because I am not to sure what I really weight. I know its around 240-250. We also do not own a scale (Thank God!) So I think going my measurements might be ok. So i took some basic ones and used an internet calculator to get my Body Fat percentage. It's 60%. Yikes. Better late then never to get started on this. Something tells me, that this is it, no more, oh well. I tried, I think I am going to stick with this one. Everyone I live with has been so great about it, They are supportive without any butting in or trying to force me with anything. They've been pretty darn perfect. So has God. I just keep praying for his strength to do this.

So here are the measurements and them I am going to get back to Bio 30 (puke puke puke *not literally*)

These are all in inches, I think I will do another measurement thing at the end of the 2 weeks, so that would be the 19th on July.

neck 15.5
waist 49
hips 52
thigh 30
calf 19
upper arm 14


So here's to another 11 days!

Have you ever wondered?

What makes you you?
And is it even ok to be that person?
What do you like? What do you dislike?
Do you let other drag you down because they cannot stand the stuff you like?
Do you drag others down for what they like?
Do you try hard to do good, or to be good?

Maybe it's just me at my age, that I'm trying to "figure out" who I am, but does anyone really know who they are? Does it really matter if I walk up to a 4 year old or a 92 year old and ask them if they understand just who they are? I'm fairly certain that we wake up in the morning and we learn something new every single day. We are effected by every second we breath, and the moments we don't breath.

Well what about you Caitlind, you say?
What on earth are you ranting to me for?

Well, to be honest I don't know. I really come on here everyone once in a while and try to get out in words, just who I am and I fail every single time. I think, quite simply, that there are no words to describe me, or is there anyway to comprehend me just as much as I don't think I can comprehend you. But then, what is so hard to put into words. I could tell you every show I love, and every song I hold close to my heart and every book that has brought me to a whole new world, but even if we like the same stuff, our experiences will be unique. I think we are just a bunch of people who are trying to find things in common when maybe we never will have ANYTHING in common, but the beauty of it is. We can love everyone! Because if no one is alike, ever, then you have to love everyone, or your going to end up a bitter misunderstood rebel (You hear that 16 year old me? Get it together!!)

It used to drive me nuts that I couldn't share my deepest feelings with anyone, and desperately wanting someone to understand me, but I understand the only one who can is God. Everyone else on this earth will never understand. But this is ok. To be honest, I'm not that special anyways. I don't sit here thinking I am some sort of enigma that is soo deep that no one could possible understand. I'm not trying to be arrogant here. I know that on certain levels, we can totally get each other, but not in the soul searching soul mate kind of way.

Without that pressure, honestly, the whole "Find a husband" thing becomes a lot lighter. God has a man for me, this I know, he will show up when God says so.

MY GOSH I JUST RAMBLE ON AND SWITCH TOPICS SUPER FAST.

I don't honestly believe anyone can follow my mind flow.
*FacePalm*


TL:DR
I used to want to be understood, but I get that I can't by anyone by God. BTW No pressure on the husband thing.

2 Days!

It's been two days of no carbs!

Holy F*.......larg.

I CAN do this!

W00T!

Day One.

New DAY! NEW START.
SHIT JUST GOT REAL.

Hi, you may know me from such posts as "The Truth is Out there" and others.
This a blog about self-frustration.

You see, I, Caitlind Elsa

Am 240 pounds, I am 5,5 and I’m 19 years of age. I eat carbs at least 5 time’s a day. I love starch foods, everyone and all of them.
The Doctor says that I need to stop eating starch for about 2 weeks and only eat vegetables and meat and berries.

This is supposed to help me lose 14 pounds in two weeks.
I should also only be drinking water.

I’ve prayed, I’ve made a list, I’ve told myself time and time and time again that I need to do this, or I am going to be sick. I’ve tired to make walking resolutions and I’ve tried to do this for about a year now and I have never really made it. I’m at wits end trying to come up with a way to do. I don’t how to make this “Wake up in the morning and really make a change” thought or choice. I’m not sure how to do it.

What do I NEED to do. I’m not really sure.

I know that being "skinny" is just a North American thing, and this really isn't just about looking good. I want to be healthy. I want to not worry about the pain in my chest. Or wonder if I will be able to walk when I'm older, or about all the stress I put on my body. I want a change... yet I make none. I pray and pray and here I still am.


Am I praying wrong? What am I doing wrong?
Oh great universe!
You got any answers.. at all?

Blessed are thoes who mourn.

Blessed Are Those who Mourn Matthew 5:4

 

I'm going to a program called Life's Healing Choices. It's to help you deal with your hurts, hang-ups and habits.

I know I have alot of baggage. Everyone does. And in one of the first lessons was this verse. Blessed are those who mourn. 

At first that made me feel relieved. Thank God, there's nothing wrong with me sitting a crying over the loss of my relationship with my Mother who felt it was totally ok to abandoned her kids because she found a boyfriend who was still married. 

But at the same time, I feel so stupid. A 19 year old, crying for mommy. But I think it's ok that I feel that way. My heart still hurts all the time, but I wonder when does it get to the point that I move on? 

I don't want to be 40 still crying over mom, and that's why I'm going to Life Healing Choices, and I supposed to ask God to help me with the pain and the mourning, but how long will it take me? What's the right amount of time? How do I mourn the right way....?

I'm confused.

Cloud snuggles.

Yes,

Cloud Snuggles.

Cheesy way of saying wind? Yes, yes it is.

At least for me it is.

I love the wind, it's one of my favorite things on this whole wide world. When I saw that today was a windy day I threw open my window and let it all come in.

It tore down two of my posters.... but I didn't care. I love the wind so much.

I can't really explain it. This isn't really an interest blog post, but none-the-less it is one.

Wind FTW.

PS: I (as a matter of fact) am real. Not like the lesbien blogger that all of a sudden was a 40 year old man....

Ok than internet people. Time to get a new hobby.

From the mouth of a Feeb.

Ever played scrabbled?
On Facebook?
and cheated?

Yes, I cheat on scrabble. But before you Scrabble purists pick up your grammatically correct axe's to wack me in half, you have to know the whole story. The women I play with. She is crazy.
She once told me a story of her Grandmother tying her to a chair and forcing her to play for hours...and hours... no food or water.

Just kidding, I know that she has nothing but fond memories of Scrabble,
no I'm serious, it was just a joke. Relax

Anyways, she is tough, she scrabbles like its easy as chewing gum. So I cheat. She is aware of this fact, we have come to terms with it, However the other day, she plays the word "Feeb".....

Like WTF is THAT?
I was born 1992. So I'm still pretty young, but I have NEVER heard this word. Ever.

Essentially, even though Scrabble says this is a word. I am not convinced. I approached the Scrabble Goddess with distaste and displeasure on my face and demand an answer. We googled it.

Feeb is a word.
and my new nickname.
I shall take in stride.

Hey like the GUM!

BTW Firefox tried to "correct" Feeb, so Firefox is on my side. The legitimacy of this word is still unsure in my head.

That's what blogs are for.

I used to get super surprised when I saw that my blog had views.
In my head I would always think "Oh my gosh, someone read my words!"

But then I would have to ask myself. What do you think a blog is for??
Of course people are going to be reading it maybe once in a blue moon.

Maybe its cause, I think, everyone wants to be noticed in some way.
So maybe you may glance at my blog, or maybe you will angrily disagree with it, or maybe it might make you laugh. Whatever the case may be. Your glance at my blog will be noted, in a good way, by me.

I mean, we can't all be as funny as Wil Wheaton, or as popular as Justin (Who saw that coming, I mean he is just a young Canadian kid?!?!) Bieber, or as beautiful as ... insert a Celebrity you find beautiful. But gosh darn-it, this is the internet. I can sure try!

THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE.

Way to go Caitlind. Way to keep blogging. I'm so impressed
/sarcasm.


Big fat fail on my part,you know?
Well, Yesterday was my 19th birthday!
I feel old, yet I know that some day I will miss this.
Just as much as some days I wake up and I miss getting my brother ready for school in the morning. It's funny the things you start to miss.

I had a fantastic birthday, My friend Daniela, on the day before it, drove us to Victoria. I did more shopping for my family than I did for me, but it was a wonderful trip. Victoria is beautiful! We took many pictures and I found a new favorite store. It was all things Ireland. If I could have moved into that store and lived there I would have been complete.

We also went and looked at house boats. That would be such an adventure and a half. Maybe something I can try someday.

We went to a really neat store that had games and other fun stuff, and they had a shirt from Big Bang Theory that I wanted, but alas, they were all sold out. Such is the way things go I guess. I was also on the lookout for Star Trek Scene It, but again, no such luck. Thank God for the Internet I guess! I'm going to go buy one of those nifty prepaid visa thingies.

The day of my birthday was a Sunday. Sundays are ALWAYS packed. I've got church to go to, and then I have Kidz Town to do. Church was good. Pastor Mark gave what he thought was a heavy sermon. I found that his message was so important, yet it didn't feel heavy to me, but more of God was looking at me and saying, You know this Caitlind, and its time you start living it. That life is about God, first and for-most, and then everything else falls into place. But that is a another blog post entirely.

Then Delaena (the second oldest of the kids I live with, she's 8) pipes up on the way that since it was my birthday I get to pick lunch. So while we changed out of church clothes and a quick Happy Birthday call from my eldest sister I picked DQ. W00t for fast food!

After a very unhealthy and yummy lunch we headed to KidzTown. We were RAINED on. It was still a blast. I got to know a few people a bit better. God has been so great helping me get over some of my social anxiety issues. I had such a blast. The kids there touch my heart and I love that we are teaching them that there is hope in their lives.

Jesus loves the little children
or as Aubrey's dreamboat favorite singer puts it,

"Children of God, sing your song and rejoice

For the love that He has given us all

Children of God, by the blood of His Son

We have been redeemed and we can be called

Children of God"
-Third Day.

Back to DQ we went after KidzTown and had some birthday ice cream.
Then we headed home!

It was a wonderful birthday. I am very blessed.

RAGE

Alright WORLD.
I'm RAGING AGAINST YOU.

You WORLD. YOU DRIVE ME NUTS!

YOUR LUST, YOUR GREED, YOUR LAZINESS, YOUR UTTER CHAOS.

Your sick mentality, your treatment of people. The utter disgusting love of celebrities and money and sex and drugs and booze. I DON'T CARE IF IT SEEMS CLOSE MINDED. I'm not falling for your trap. I'm going to fight.

I'm going to stick with God.

I'm going to try my hardest to save my soul. I'm not going to be a drunk, I'm not going to do drugs. I'm not going to bonk every man that walks my way because "it feels good". I'm not going to sit here and let you consume me like you do every day to other poor souls. I'm not going to sit here and pretend that what Miley Cyrus had for freaking breakfast needs to effect me. I'm not going to sit here and waste my life away always chasing the new iPad, or the new cell phone.

I'VE HAVE ENOUGH. I've never been able to live like that. I tried once, to fit in and it didn't work, and I was EMPTY.

So now, I'm raging against you, HOLLYWOOD, THE WORLD and all that you stand for.

I Stand With God.

How Incredible Cool is God?

More cool that YOU could possible imagine!
But first, let's lay out the scene.
Sit back and pretend to close you eyes, because if you really did, then you would have to stop reading...
Picture a very angry 18 year old girl.
Sitting in her room, on her computer, pretending that nothing happens outside her door. Living in her own head, doesn't trust or believe in anyone. Parents have split up. Her mum is off in la-la-land. Her dad is trying to keep the kids together. She has dropped out of school and have given the middle finger to life.

Sounds pretty pathetic in my opinion. But last year, as this very time. That is were I was. I had given up, and NO ONE was going to change my mind. Yet for some reason, the only place I ever felt like I could breathe was when I was with Aubrey, having a coffee and just pouring out my soul about how awful my life was. I think now, Aubrey must have been thinking, why is this kid whining to me. But I can see now that God had the most incredible plans for me. God put on Aubrey and Koos's heart to take a chance on me, and invited me to come live with them in Duncan.

The very idea, freaked the crap out of me at first, but I really honestly believe that if I didn't go. I would never finish school and I would sit in my room and rot.

But, after much thought, prayer, tears, heartache, goodbyes to friends and pets. I did it. I moved.

Now, life isn't perfect. I don't wake up every morning singing with birds and baking pies with a smile on my face. But I'm getting my school done and I've never been more excited to finish, and to get my own place and to start (GASP) living on my own. I thought so sure I would NEVER EVER get here!! But that is the incredible power of Jesus went you let him in your life. I don't think I can fully type out just how amazing I feel at this very moment, but try for a second to imagine me going
"howiwanttoplanmynewplaceenventhoughifonthaveoneand
imstilllookingforoneeventhoughtistillhavemonthstogoandit
mightnotevenworkoutbutgodissocoolandmaybeitwillandithink
imgoingtogetaonebedroomandiwonderhowmuchmoneyimgoing
needandomgiamsoexcited......."


God is sure dang cool.

Offensively Honest?

I have come to a most unfortunate crossroads.
I would love to share my blog with my friends on facebook. I would love to 100% honest with everyone that reads my blogs. Unfortunately, if I was honest honest in my blog. I would offend much of my family.

My mother always told me to not air out the dirty laundry. It's not as if I want to write out all my family secrets, it's just there are aspects of my life that are direct reasons as to why I am living all the way in BC and not finishing my high-school in my home town, living with my family.

Part of me wants to write out the whole sad strange tale. To be honest about why I do what I do, but at the same time I don't want to hurt my family. BUT at the very same time, it's not like what they are doing is a secret. My whole hometown knows why I left. My family knows too. Maybe writing it all out makes it real?

I used to think that I could move here to Duncan, and no one would wonder why some 18 year old girl, left her life and family behind, move 24 hours away from home and her family to simply "finish high-school." Looking at it now, it seems a bit absurd. They is more to it than that. The only thing, am I ready to share it? I think I am, but than again, I feel like I'm stir-ing up stuff.

This world sure does bring trouble on my soul.
Just by writing this very entry. I'm going to offend.

Snow?!?!

It's snowing.
There is something about snow that makes Miserable Caitlind come out. I see the snow falling and something in me goes "ARG > : ( " Snow just gets to me. It reminds me of the crappy memories of my teen years. Snow used to "cheer me up". But now that I think about it. I think it only "cheered" me up because I was so swept up in my teen angst and depression that the sadder and bleaker things seems the more I would twist up inside. Sad and twisted.

Well I'm a more peaceful person now, by the Grace of God.
However, the snow is still falling, making me angry face.
Until then, have a good day.

A pretty good family.

You know, they say that all families have a few nuts. And well, let me tell you, I have lots of nuts in mine. They cause lots of hurts and pains, and heartache. But tonight I was thinking and I may have some members that hurt me all the time, but I also have some really cool family members. To be scientific. They are not all blood related. But that doesn't make them any less family. I have so many people in my life that love me and care about me and what to see me do good things in my life. I know that these are people that I can go to, and that they can come to me. (Even when they are over 24 hours away!!) This really isn't a blog posted, but just a reminder to myself, that no matter how NUTTY some of my family is, there are some really golden people in the mix.


Also, it seems that no matter where I go. I'm the IT person. I don't mind this at all. I love computers and they love me. I just get frustrated that computers don't love everybody and then I have to be bridge between computers and humans. Can't we all just get along?

Soyez Creatif! (ou non)

Bah, I'm sorry, but I cannot get a hang of this whole learning a different language thing. Sure, I think it's cool and would love to be bilingual, but my brain just cannot make it all come together. My comprehension of French is not so bad, but I just cannot seem to write stuff down, or form my own sentences or anything. It's the grammar. I hate grammar. I love reading, and cannot stand writing. How messed up is that? I love to read and hear about science and social and I like to verbally discuss things, but once I have to start writing things down, I'm stumped. Stumped stumped stumped! I also cannot spell!

It's no wonder I am taking so long just to graduate. This life challenge that everyone has to go through. It would be easier to just drop out and living a meaningless life doing basic jobs and just paying rent. However I don't want to live a life like that! So here I go, fighting and struggling and trying hard to do this. It's taking everything I've got, and a lot of help from God to do this. My support group isn't large, just God and Aubrey and Koos, but they are all I need to keep going. To simply have two people who deep down believe in God's plans for me is enough to keep me fighting.

I know to the outside world, I look like a lazy irresponsible kid. Don't let me fool you. I am, but the difference is, is that K&A know that I have potential to do something with my life and change for God. So I guess with them and God, and with(heaven forbid) some confidence on my part. Maybe I can just get this stupid stuff done and move on with my life.
Who knows!

Twitter Fail Whale

Pretty cute huh?
Twitter puts up this when it crashes and fails to work.
Life kinda feels like this sometimes. Maybe I don't get something done that I was planning on, or random circumstances get in the way, but either way it feels like a whale has plopped on to me and says "Suck it" and he is usually not very cute.

So, the trick is, do I go all Captain Ahab and grab my spear and gut the mighty beast?
Or do I take a step back and go "Well that sucks, but at least it was a whale, not a dinosaur?"
*Unless, you would prefer a dinosaur to land on you then, Hey by all means*

I'm not sure I'm getting my point across but let's just say, that all I am saying is, take every roadblock in stride and learn from it. In this crazy world, we can learn from any whale that falls into our lap.

And If I am really not making any sense now, then let me end with this,
I'd rather be a Cardassian than a Borg Drone.
Happy Thursday!

Friends (Part 2)

Friends,
Correction, I don't know how to have them.
I've learned that I am not a very good friend, or at least that is the conclusion I have come to. The close friends I have never last long, and they find new friends and once again I am without. Now, this is not a oh woe is me. Because the lack of friends is no one fault but my own. I'm learning that to other people, I'm not compassionate, and I'm not understanding, and I'm way to in people's face. So my options are, I can have lots of friends but change who I am, or be who I am, and not have a soul in the world.

What kind of principles do I have that other people don't like? Is it a matter of pride, that I chose to not change, or do I even need to.
I honestly, don't want to be a huge bitch. I don't like that is how people perceive me, however, I don't want to change my values for the world. So here I am, at the crossroads. I can re-evaluate who I am, and become more "personable" or be who I am. To be honest. I have no idea what I am going to do.

While, part of me is devastated that I am no longer best friends with a close friend, because things have changed, and well she is doing so wonderful, it makes me wonder if I corrupted her, and caused her hurts that I didn't need to, but it is my greatest happiness that she has found true friends.

I really don't know how I feel about all this, but the worst part is the fact that I haven't felt this way in a long time, and the last time it happened I swore I would never let it happen again, but here I am, once again pushed a friend away, and I don't know whats wrong...

Maybe the answer's will come one day.

58 Facebook Friends.

I've been thinking about "friends" lately.
I've never have many friends. It's the tired old cliche of being fat and nerdy and not having friends. But that is what it was. I had class "friends" but never many "hang out" friends. I had a few, and those 3 are still in my life today. My question is, what is this desire for friendship? Why cannot I be happy for the 3 friends I do have. Why does it hurt so much when a friend drops you, and tells you, you just were not worth keeping. Why do we value what these people think of us? Why is it that when I hear that I may be a bitch and I'm annoying that it effects me so. One, I don't want to believe it. I don't want to think that I am. Two, I have to accept that, maybe I am. Maybe I am a rude horrible person. To be honest, that breaks my heart. I never wanted to be the person who was "IN UR FACE, DEALZ WIT IT". I want to believe that I am not that person. This is beginning to sound like a rant! But then again, maybe that is the only reason why I blog. It's a nice place to rant! Then again, not a lot of people I'm sure read it, and hand writing a journal is so tedious! So there my dear blog! My blah for the day!